More often than not I start out my day in that morning daze where you know you've got a long way to go and there's just nothing you can do about it. I agree with most that this is a fairly disheartening way to start a day but try as I might, I don't find the energy to change it. Though days it's sunny it's always easier to open the window, turn on the music and get going. But somewhere along the morning routine; sometimes on the walk to class and often not until the walk back from class, I get that burst of energy and excitement. I love the feeling when you realize you have about 12 hours to accomplish something and the opportunities are endless. This is a much better outlook of course, but it takes effort to reach this point. In my case, it's often the music I listen to is that sets the course for my day. Though it doesn't always happen, I crave that energetic feeling I get and can channel that energy into getting through my day.
But sometimes there's just days that don't go this way. Everybody has those days. There may be no particular reason, yet things are building up. I know I need a break but I'm not quite there yet, therefore I write of course. But the combination of friendships, relationships, the future and the past, and of course the present current situations can be enough to overwhelm or dishearten anyone. So we need a method to push past these things and see the bigger picture where life is good and we're lucky and loved.
I see people and the way they treat those around them and sometimes I wonder if they even hear themselves. While I'm as guilty as some in this sense, those who know me well tend to understand that it's rooted in one of two causes. First, my sense of humor. Of course I could filter my comments sometimes, but one of my good friends often tells me "honesty will be your downfall". This is not to say that I'm always 100% truly and whole heartedly honest with everyone about everything. After all, NO ONE is this way. But I do tend to be (often harshly) honest. But those close to me understand I have a sympathetic side when needed.But apparently my sarcastic or logical side is beginning to take a toll on people. It saddens me because I hate to burn a bridge, I do tend to gravitate toward the "I want everyone I know to like me" side. While this is of course impossible, I still attempt it as do many others. Another friend once told me "Steph, you can try to be friends with the whole world but you'll be damned if you think they'll all want to be friends with you." There's something to be said for this logic but what baffles me is then, how..if I apparently am the type to try to be friends with the whole world, do I also get accused of being mean? Probably because I'm human. We all have both these sides present in our personality just to different degrees. Everyone is nice. Everyone is not nice. Everyone cares. Everyone doesn't care. Everyone is human.
In a Freshman guide for college I got from a less-than-qualified author at a convention once, there was a passage that said this: "90% of the world is stuck in rejection denial, a dangerous place where you think everyone should like you. We rarely give the people we like permission to not share our feelings. Come out of denial and give the world permission to not want you, but know you are still attractive and desirable." When I first read this I was appalled. Who would say this to Freshman as help and encouragement? But when I thought about it for a day or two I realized he's kind of right. While I still disagree with the wording- we really can gain a lot from allowing others to not like us or agree with our choices simply because they're different people. If we can respect that and still know we're valuable people then what do we have to lose?
The second reason I tend to come of as..I guess you could say harsh..is it's an effective defense mechanism of course. It's true that most of the time it's just my personality and my nature, but sometimes I do have such a grasp of my tone that I can use it to avoid comments/other situations by brushing things off as a joke. Sometimes the cause of this is said to be, by popular assumption, my busy schedule. I'm by no means over-committed, I've been there in the past and I know what it feels like. So what is it that causes that sudden lack of patience for people?
When I first wrote this back in March, I'd noticed an increase in people's judgments of me. Not that people were necessarily judging me more but rather I was noticing it more. Not that I've ever been one to care about what people think (in most cases) there's a point when what people think of the way I act can do something to them. In the defense mechanism sense, I'd been slacking. My true honest feelings were coming out more often.
So what is it about our society today that dislikes this "honesty"? Why must we use so much discretion in our thoughts and actions? Well it's in part because we're trying to convince ourselves that everything we do is justified. But in most cases if we did something it was thus justified to us and need no further explanation. But we're not content with accepting the actions and words of others simply at it being their words and actions and thus can be whatever they choose.
So why do I constantly feel the need to justify myself? "I'm not mean, I'm honest. I'm not racist, I'm joking. I'm not procrastinating, I'm simply waiting until later. I'm not atheist, I'm logical." Probably because for some reason lately I've felt guilty for the way I "apparently" treat people. I've been told I don't appreciate friendships or things that are given to me. But my faith has been lost in so many things in our society today. But friendships/relationships have not failed me completely. There is still so much love in my life. So why are people so caught up in things like acceptance, not just success but perfection, not just maintaining but growth? There's this constant need for others' approval or acceptance and guides...or pushes many in this fashion. (ha, fashion...a perfect example where approval is of course a factor and again I'm as guilty as many)
I've always been one to 'march to the beat of my own drum' or 'not care what people think' but this is not necessarily true. Of course, I was the one to braid my hair around a coat hanger and string battery operated Christmas lights around it in high school and embraced people's attempts to judge me or get me down about it. Yet, I do care what people think in that I want people to see that I have goals, morals and am knowledgeable and professional. I want to come off as dedicated, committed, honest and trustworthy. But don't we all? So how do we accomplish it?
There is a sense of professionalism that comes with the way we dress. It's not exactly that I want people to judge me by the way I look (be it dressed and ready to work and represent something greater or running around with hangers holding up my hair twinkling with Christmas lights while wearing a lime green and black polka-dot spandex suit..oh, I didn't mention the outfit before did I?), but rather I want my outfits to allow for people to respect me. Because in the 21st century there's such an emphasis on the visual/appearance, this is obviously many people's first judgement passed. If I were to walk into an interview and introduce myself wearing jeans with tears and a low cut tank top, there's not a chance I would be taken seriously. But why do I stress myself out with my hair style, make up, choice of matching shoes?
So back to my previous discontent with that Wednesday morning back in March. Do not get me wrong,my joking, sarcastic, dry sense of humor will never go away. But while I attempt discretion I feel as those around me do quite the opposite. So my views may be different than yours, so I may accept or not accept things you do or do not accept.
Yet isn't there some kind of common bond we could have at this point? Over our justification of our choices that is. It's so easy to develop that type of bond quickly with strangers; imagine you walk into an elevator and someone's phone rings, you love the song and the person next to you smiles or laughs a little. Without thinking you immediately feel a connection with these people simply because you have something in common in the situation. It would then stand to reason that we could all find similarities and eventually all be connected. But rather, we work to separate ourselves from others.
So as I get ready to turn my attention back to work and open my itunes to choose a song to work with...again, to set the course of the rest of my day, I consider those I may encounter. I will work to maintain my energy and enthusiasm and do my best to consider others' feelings before making jokes (I make no promises about the success of this part..haha--again here I go) but I ask you to consider this; what would happen if you'd look only at similarities rather than differences with people? I now see that in the past two years some things have changed that I can truly blame on no one but myself. But each day I inch closer to not just my "old self" but a new and improved version by adding what I've learned. I used to be, without fail, the excited one...the one to go to when you needed a brighter look on things. So I guess I should start taking my own advice!
Do what you need to do to find your driving energy and show people what you have to offer. The attention (we crave) you gain from this could be highly beneficial...or people could just judge you for trying ;) but do NOT feel the need to justify yourself. Your justification is in your right to do what you choose. Take things for what they are and nothing more and it will take away so much of the unnecessary guess work in life.
If you made it through this entire note I must 1. congratulate you and 2. ask what you were putting off by reading! Ha, but don't justify it to me, I'm just happy you read. After all, that's my point. Happy first day of Summer everyone!
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